Pioneer in Lasting Love - A Deeper Dive into the Public Intellectual, Esther Perel

With the advent of social media, love has been revolutionized down to the last swipe- individuals are merely judged upon a couple answered prompts with photoshopped photos as an indicator of a person’s character and individuality. Romantic relationships’ inherent accessibility have skyrocketed, allowing us to cherry pick an entire population within just a screen. If love can come as easily as a swipe, what are the primary motivators of staying in a relationship when you can always find someone who is better in some way or another on just your phone?

Translating in the U.S.’ third highest rate in divorce, a question of intimacy can be posed: What is the instigator to these unhappy couples? (Branka Vuleta)

Sex. As Esther Perel would put it, erotic intelligence, or the lack thereof, is what provides a foundational balance, or imbalance, within a relationship (Mindvalley Talks). As one of the mainstream proponents of relationship psychology, Perel has successfully dissected old-school psychology into layman terms and corroborated her own philosophy of erotic intelligence with the foundational psychology (Lovering). Perel disseminated her knowledge through podcasts, articles, books, and talk shows, providing an avenue for individuals to learn about psychotherapy within their bedroom walls, which establishes her status as a Public Intellectual. Her contributions have brought forth questioning of relationship dynamics between any systems (how psychologists refer to couples) and emphasized the role of sexual intimacy in relationships in ways other psychologists have not explored.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” - Esther Perel

As a daughter of two holocaust survivors, Perel moved to the states from Jerusalem from grad school, where she began learning about Psychology after her undergraduate degree. Perel flourished in her studies where she further produced her works of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017). After being listed as an honorary member of the Forbes the 50 Over 50 list and on publications such as the The New York Times, The Guardian, and The New Yorker, she has successfully branded herself as a world renowned Couples Therapist (Popova, “The Central Paradox of Love: Esther Perel on Reconciling the Closeness Needed for Intimacy with the Psychological Distance That Fuels Desire”). Her distinct approach towards couples therapy startled the industry: her focus on understanding the sexual relationship between a couple.

Numerous factors contribute to the diathesis of a relationship, one being erotic intelligence. Perel’s paradigm hones in on the idea that erotic intelligence is a kind of instinct that can be built that establishes a sense of desire between partners. This can be traced balancing separation with intimacy, as it is through separation that intimacy can be found. Perel introduces this idea by exemplifying how many couples are often unhappy due to a monotonous nature of a relationship, where individuals may feel as if a “spark” is no longer present. She attributes this lack of lust and passionate desire to the lack of space that is present within the relationship. She claims that in order for two people to engage in a relationship, the system itself has to be composed of two individuals and not one. When two individuals provide no space to each other, a sense of privacy and mystery disappears, thus resulting in the replication of the same routine that does not celebrate differences or surprises. Not only so, one cannot logically engage in a relationship with just themselves- she reminds everyone that a system is composed of two individuals and not a joint entity that reaps the individual experiences and personality away from the beauty of a relationship.

When engaging in the same routine, it is because a system has spent a lot of time understanding each other. However, the antithetical nature of intimacy is that when one is participating in intimacy or getting to know one another, it is essentially the closing of an emotional gap between two individuals. This emotional gap also contains the erotic synapse, as Perel coined the term, which provides the aphrodisiac to a couple. The paradox then comes when a couple begins their journey together, and begins to morph into a conglomerate because they simply chase after the feeling of being in love- resulting in the action of increasing intimacy. Thus, she mainly proclaims that one would need to ensure that this erotic synapse exists in order for two individuals to have a fulfilling love life. Essentially, in order for a fire to keep burning, there has to be enough air and space for it to grow.

It is not just erotic intelligence that is crucial to the life of a relationship, though. Perel believes that “if you know how someone is in the bedroom, you can tell me everything about them” (Perel). She mentions in her viral videos that through sex, one can uncover how one truly feels about themselves through understanding their wants, behaviors, unconscious thoughts, and more. She draws upon similar parallels as Freud, who she was inspired by, and interprets it into modern contexts digestible for everyday consumers. Her speciality lies in the midst of other proponents of the psychology of love, such as Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love (Lovering, 2018). Perel successfully identifies an approachable method of distributing her expertise that translates previous knowledge of relationship psychology into consumable content for everyday users, distinguishing herself as one of the leaders in mainstream couples therapy.

By providing an access point for everyday people to relieve their interpersonal stress and receive guidance, Perel successfully provides advice that invites open skepticism of her advice. She consistently questions how dynamics are within individuals on her open therapy show that showcases couples and brings the audience along on a journey into their therapy sessions. Not only so, she invites different cultures of skepticism that respond to different types of therapy. She involves psychodynamic therapy, family systems therapy, and more, exemplifying her ability to use an array of theoretical frameworks to tackle the skepticism in her approach. Perel has stepped into the shoes of a public intellectual figure due to her openness in inspiring talk about healthy communication and boundaries within a sphere that is often on emotional lockdown due to its overwhelming nature. A public intellectual often incites talks about change in the status quo, and her heresy in the world of psychology of love has truly sent ripples through the field (The New Democratic Review: Are Public Intellecuals a Thing of the Past? (Repost), 2016).

Perel’s influential emphasis on the healing of the process of sex was vastly critiqued by many religious individuals. However, as she grew up in an orthodox environment, she has the ability to cater to those who are in religious environments and respects the boundaries it may come with. She addresses the cultural differences within her practice and understands how to incorporate an aspect of religion into her practice. Instead of shying away from the topic of sex, she successfully introduces a reframe of how sex should be viewed to benefit a relationship rather than hinder the progress of a relationship. She corroborates a clerical viewpoint to her practice, successfully tailoring advice that is applicable to all populations. This provides her with the ability to understand those who are religious and respect their practice, while still applying standardized advice to all people she helps. Her role as a public intellectual that is not only secular has brought forth many clients that need religious guidance, but also those who are not associated with religion as well (“The New Democratic Review: Wicked Paradox: The Cleric as Public Intellectual”). As a therapist, it is through having a diverse worldview that she can understand a larger population- positioning her as a better therapist that can help in more situations.

By creating an open environment where everyone can access material that one can learn in therapy, Perel has provided a place on the internet that people can turn to when they cannot afford therapy. Perel has also uncovered a way to reframe love in a more pragmatic sense- how sex is for a couple. Other psychologists often overlook this aspect of romantic love when studying as more aspects are researched upon theoretical concepts of how attachment is formed rather than the actual practice of love, especially in sexual contexts. Perel has gained her influence and successfully positioned herself as a public intellectual that is able to invite not just skepticism into people’s lives, but also a new area of focus in Psychology, while providing new avenues for everyone to learn to be their own expert through all the resources she provides.

Works Cited

“About Esther Perel | Her Story and Inspirations.” Estherperel.com, 2023, www.estherperel.com/about. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

Branka Vuleta. “35 Encouraging Stats on the Divorce Rate in America for 2023.” Legaljobs.io, LegalJobs, 28 Jan. 2021, legaljobs.io/blog/divorce-rate-in-america/. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

Lovering, Nancy. “The Psychology of Love.” Psych Central, Psych Central, 22 Jan. 2018, psychcentral.com/relationships/the-psychology-of-love. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

Mindvalley Talks. “What Is Erotic Intelligence? | Esther Perel.” YouTube, 26 Nov. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO0xgj3kEuI. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

Perel, Esther. “Esther Perel.” YouTube, 2023, www.youtube.com/@estherperel/videos. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

Popova, Maria. “Philosopher Alain Badiou on Why We Fall and How We Stay in Love.” The Marginalian, The Marginalian, 26 Oct. 2015, www.themarginalian.org/2015/10/26/alain-badiou-in-praise-of-love/. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

---. “The Central Paradox of Love: Esther Perel on Reconciling the Closeness Needed for Intimacy with the Psychological Distance That Fuels Desire.” The Marginalian, The Marginalian, 13 Oct. 2016, www.themarginalian.org/2016/10/13/mating-in-captivity-esther-perel/. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

Sawyer, Miranda. “Esther Perel: “Fix the Sex and Your Relationship Will Transform.”” The Guardian, The Guardian, 30 Sept. 2018, www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/30/esther-perel-fix-the-sex-and-your-relationship-will-transform-esther-perel. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

“The New Democratic Review: Are Public Intellecuals a Thing of the Past? (Repost).” Stephenmack.com, 2016, www.stephenmack.com/blog/archives/2012/08/are_public_inte.html. Accessed 19 Sept. 2023.

“The New Democratic Review: Wicked Paradox: The Cleric as Public Intellectual.” Stephenmack.com, 2016, www.stephenmack.com/blog/archives/2007/08/religious_intel.html. Accessed 25 Sept. 2023.